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I Can’t Fix It!

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fix it

I work in a highly technical field. Between our computers, ultrasound machines, and treadmills, technology is in full force all day. When any of these break, it throws a wrench in our entire schedule. It affects our current patient and subsequent patients. And….we can’t fix it! We are at the mercy of our repair guy, and most the time, he is at the mercy of the broken part. He has to figure out what part is the problem, order it, wait on it, and get it installed, before we are back to normal working conditions.

I feel so bad for the patients when this happens because they are coming in for a stress test to check their hearts which is usually more stressful emotionally than physically. They want to know if they have a problem. And here I am, apologizing that I can’t test them because something is broken and I don’t know when it will be fixed. Usually, they are understanding. I always appreciate that, but I’m still frustrated that I can’t fix it.

Today, my treadmill broke. My patient was so kind even though she really needed it done considering she has plans to go out of town tomorrow (of course). I was even more frustrated because I had called the repair guy the week before with the same issue, but it wasn’t resolved. She was so sweet and kept saying to me “bless your heart”. She knew I was irritated with the fact that it was still not working properly. I said to her “I’m so sorry. I can’t fix the problem, only report it.”

That statement made me think of prayer. Most of our problems we can’t fix. We may have contributed to them, been born into them, or been completely sideswiped by them. But, we can’t fix them….only report them. Once we report the problem, we’ll need strength while He locates the problem, humility while He corrects it (us), and patience while we wait.

One thing’s for sure, with God as our repair guy, we will come out stronger, wiser, and more loving. Because that’s what He does. He transforms us through the problems we report. Let’s not be afraid to report to the One who created us. He knows us best and loves us most.

Pearls of Wisdom

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pearls 2

Is there anything more valuable than God’s wisdom in our life? We search for it like the treasure that it is. We crave it. We just want to know what He wants us to do in any given situation. Ultimately, His wisdom comes with a sense of assurance and confirmation. If the conflict in our heart does not cease, we are not there yet. The answer hasn’t arrived.

For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Proverbs 2:10-11

What our hearts really desire is contentment, fulfillment, and peace. Peace with God leads to peace with ourselves. His wisdom brings peace, even when it’s the hard thing to do. If our hearts just don’t feel right about something, the Holy Spirit is speaking to us. Heed that feeling. Take note and seek wisdom. Remember, that His peace is a gift and a fruit of the Spirit that He loves to give us. We should cherish this gift as His children. Life won’t always be easy. But, if we don’t have peace, God is trying to tell us something. Listen….

I was in a relationship where everything seemed right on paper, but my heart was troubled. I couldn’t figure out why this guy who I assumed must be “the one” because he seemed to have everything on my list, just didn’t lead to peace. I tried to adjust and make changes to help ease the discomfort, but I still had turmoil in my heart. I thought maybe it was me, maybe I just wasn’t used to being really loved and that’s what he was doing. So, I gave it more time. I remained honest with him about my struggles and lack of peace. He reinforced my possible reasons like maybe it was because I was a naturally anxious person, this was new, and I was scared because of my past. He said he was willing to be patient with me and wait until I felt safe enough to fall in love. It wasn’t happening. So, I continued to plead with God to either take the discomfort away or reveal why on earth I had it.

I woke up at 4:30 one morning with very clear answers on exactly why I needed to end it. With clarity and conviction, I wrote the reasons down so I could recite them clearly when I called to let him know. In the aftermath, I saw so many confirmations of what God had revealed. His wisdom and me ending the relationship led to peace. It was hard, but the peace was worth it. God had answered and I obeyed. When we actively pursue His will, He is faithful to reveal it. Peace follows…

Turns out love is more than a “list”. Breakups are never easy, but if there is a lack of peace and comfort, they are necessary and wise. Whether it’s a career move, a friendship issue, a difficult family member, or a romantic relationship question, God has wisdom to share. He is very much active and aware of our concerns. He wants to help. Let’s let Him. Sometimes, His answer is to stay quiet, sometimes it’s to speak up, sometimes it’s to wait. But, when He answers, the best thing we can do is respond quickly. The way the chips fall are on His shoulders, not ours. Thank God we can trust Him with the outcome. This gives us peace. The outcome is His baby and we are His. Rest in that fact.

When we pray first and then follow our instincts, we can trust that the Holy Spirit is active. God is in control and He will never let us down. Pearls of wisdom will help us personally and help us help others in the process. God longs to reveal wisdom to those who seek it. It may be a struggle, but the pearls are worth it. Peace is the prize for pearls.

 

Beauty in the Struggle…

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struggle

Have you struggled?  Have you wondered if a lack of peace means you’re headed in the wrong direction? Have you wondered if the struggle is because of disobedience or God prompting you to change directions? Does the confusion get the best of you? It has for me. Why is it that when we pray a mighty prayer, make our requests so big that only God could deliver them, wait, wonder if it’s even possible, then actually receive it, that we still struggle? Why is that? Because we are human beings with mere human hearts and minds that have a hard time comprehending what is meant for us, what is best for us.

Have you ever heard, “Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it!” As soon as it arrives, our hearts are frightened and we feel like we’re not ready. If we weren’t ready, why would God drop this in our lap? Something only He could know we wanted. Something straight out of the deepest desires of our heart. Yet, we don’t feel ready. We don’t jump in with joy and excitement and praise His name, like a child would. Nope, we worry. We wonder if it’s right. We wonder if it’s real. We wonder if it’s finally here. And we wonder what to do with it. We pray for discernment, for peace, for direction…for truth.

Have you considered that the struggle may be because you ARE heading in the right direction? We tend to think that once our miracle arrives, it will be smooth sailing, but God has another thing in mind. How else would He keep us dependent?  How else would He keep us humble? By reminding us we can’t do it alone. By reminding us that getting our prayers answered doesn’t mean everything will be easy, but it will be different. With new territory, there will be new issues to deal with and problems to face. This allows us to praise Him while remaining completely dependent. When we feel incompetent to handle our blessing, He is STILL ever present.

Whether it’s a new relationship or an ended one, an unexpected baby or a long-awaited one. Whether it’s your dream job or an opportunity that you’ve waited and prayed so long for, there will be issues. New ones. I’m so thankful that God loves me enough to struggle with me. When my soul desire is to do His will, it means I love Him enough to struggle too. I’d rather struggle with God than silence or deny Him in my heart.

One thing’s for sure, just like Jacob struggled with God, we won’t come out the same. We’ll come out closer, changed, and with a limp that keeps us dependent and reminded of God’s sovereignty in our lives . The people who have stayed by our sides in our struggles will always hold a close place in our hearts. Likewise, when we struggle with God, we come out closer and ever more certain of His love for us. There is beauty in the struggle.

 

Paper Bag Moments

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roller coaster

Have you ever had a moment that blows you away? Not in a negative way, but in a positive way? The kind of moment that you dreamed of, but didn’t know would ever come true? The kind of moment that left your mouth wide open and a personal dream realized? I call them my “paper bag moments”. The moments when God shows up and shows off.  The moments that take your breath away. The moments when you just KNOW that He is looking and smiling down on you. The moments when all you can think is “Oh, how He loves us….me!”

The assurance of God’s presence in our lives should blow us away daily. When He acts out on our behalf in our personal dilemmas, issues, concerns, and fears, it blows us away personally. He wants to blow us away. He wants us to KNOW that He cares for our personal struggles and is fighting for us. He wants us to KNOW that He is very much present in our daily lives. He wants us to KNOW He is still very much a miracle worker. He wants us to KNOW that in those moments when the pain feels like more than we can bear, He is not only with us, but He feels it too. He want us to KNOW that He is a loving Father. Even in His discipline, He wants us to KNOW that He is showing love. He is drawing us to Him, not pushing us away.

I have had many “paper bag moments” recently. Moments associated with love, family, and ministry and they seem to keep coming. Moments when I feel like I really could use a paper bag to breathe into. I cherish these moments now. God says, just breathe, because I’m about to BLOW you away. Oh, how He loves us!

Life’s journey is like a rollercoaster. It goes up, down, and sideways. After a long downward plunge, the ups can make our stomachs leap into our throats. The excitement can feel scary because it’s so unexpected. I am reminded of how many times God says “Do not fear” in the Bible. When the ups come, throw your hands up and Praise His name! Just like when the downs come, the best thing for us to do is hit our knees and cry out. But, either way, don’t forget to breathe! He is WITH us in the good times and in the bad.

Here’s to more “paper bag moments” in all our lives. To God be the Glory of our story!

What Does That Mean??

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god is for us

Romans 8:31 says “If God is for us, who can be against us?” I’ve been pondering what this verse means lately and this is what I feel God has spoken to my heart about it.

People and things do come against us in this life. There will be times we have trouble and there will be times when we fail. There will be times we cause problems and times we are affected by others problems and actions. There will be innocent victims and there will be times we flat out rebel against what we know we “should” do.

But, what I’ve received lately about this particular text, is that if we look for a solution to our specific issue or emotions in His Word, He will show it to us. And when we choose to do what He says, it is in our best interest. He doesn’t ask us to do anything out of any reason but love. Because He IS love. Any command He gives, is given for our protection and healing. In other words, He is FOR us, not against us, not fighting us, not preventing joy, but promoting it.

His love covers us when we fail and convicts us to full repentance. This is where change comes in. Full repentance leads to us doing things differently because we actually believe He has forgiven us and we don’t want to hurt his heart by turning back to what He’s revealed as hurtful. Pleasing God is recognizing His love for us and acting accordingly. Recognizing His love enough to make us think twice before turning back to what was hurting us. When we hurt ourselves that also hurts Him. He longs to protect and deliver us from what we look to for comfort and security and point us back to Him. He is a jealous God. He is jealous for us. He longs to be our first love, because He is. He loved us first and He loves us most.

When we are hurt by someone, He asks us to forgive for our own benefit and healing. Leaving the offense with Him and moving forward leads to the abundant life that He promises. Living without forgiveness bonds us to pain, anger, and bitterness that He died to save us from. He asks us to guard our hearts, not to prevent love, but to protect them from the counterfeit. To wait and seek His face and His love in the other person because only then can we know that the person knows what real love is and where it’s found. He asks us to tithe so that we learn to trust Him. He doesn’t need the money, but He does know we struggle with trust. He also knows that the stingier we are, the stingier we become. Giving with a cheerful heart is very good medicine to our selfish and scared hearts.

A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance. John 10:10 (HSCB)

Doing what He asks us to do, is for our own good. He isn’t out to kill our good time, take all our money, or prevent us from having relationships. He is all for developing our character, growing our faith, and providing healthy relationships. He is all about coming first in our lives and when we truly make Him #1, He promises us an abundant life. An abundant life is a life full of joy and peace that can only come from Him.

Is following Jesus easy? No. Is it worth it? Completely. Because He is FOR us. The enemy is against us.

 

Speak!

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Who made you feel like your voice doesn’t matter? Like it doesn’t count?

God used Moses who stuttered and was afraid to speak. He tried to get out of it. He even asked God to send someone else. He was afraid and felt incompetent, yet God promised His help.

Moses spoke to the Lord. He said, “Lord, I’ve never been a good speaker. And I haven’t gotten any better since you spoke to me. I don’t speak very well at all.” The Lord said to him, “Who makes human beings able to talk? Who makes them unable to hear or speak? Who makes them able to see? Who makes them blind? It is I, the Lord. Now go. I will help you speak. I will teach you what to say.”  Exodus 4:10-11 (NIRV)

In spite of Moses’s insecurities, God used him to DELIVER His people from the Egyptians. Moses spoke. His words delivered…what a testimony to tell.

Fear paralyzes my vocal chords. Can you relate? It’s like I can almost feel the enemy strangle me when the truth of how I’m feeling wants to come out. Be free and know that choosing not to speak your truth doesn’t necessarily protect you, it just leaves people in the dark. They don’t KNOW, if you don’t tell. We can’t hold people accountable for something they don’t know. I was SO guilty of this thinking…”Well, they should KNOW that hurts. They should KNOW what I like and don’t like. They should KNOW what I need.” Newsflash! They don’t.

Yes, they should know you deserve respect and honesty. But, they don’t know your preferences, likes, dislikes, or necessities unless you clearly communicate them. I used to think this was rude or selfish, now I see that it’s just plain common sense and necessary. Speaking your truth respectfully is quite the opposite of rudeness and actually mandatory for mutual peace and understanding.

If you struggle with this like me, remembering our value and respecting ourselves, is the best remedy I’ve found. Remember that your opinion, whether agreed with or not, is just as important as the next guy’s. Remember that God created and died for you just like He created and died for the person you are afraid to speak to. Remember that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Remember that we should be respected whether we work for you, with you, or because of you. Remember that we don’t have to befriend or trust a person to treat them respectfully. Remember that just because someone chooses not to befriend or confide in you, you are still worthy of being treated respectfully. Remember that even when you’re wrong about a situation or have been misinformed, you are still worthy of respect and understanding. We all make mistakes. Remember these….and I need to as well.

“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

Speak your mind. Speak your truth. God gave you a heart, a mind, and a mouth to communicate with. We are always learning and hopefully growing. Don’t let your moods, thoughts, and words go haywire before laying them out before God, but once you have, don’t let fear hold you back. He gives us power and strength to speak. Your words may be His words. He may use you to correct a situation or touch a person’s heart. God used Moses and He can use you too.

Speak, dear one…..we’re listening.

 

Just a Phase?

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jesus love

Whatever brings Jesus front and center in our lives is a blessing, as painful as it may be. Pain and trials are usually what bring us to our knees. Turning to Him instead of away in the hard times can deepen our personal relationship with Him and form a bond like never before. He really is there when nobody else understands. He’s the only One who knows the whole story and the countless injuries that our hearts have endured. Let that build a new intimacy between you and Him.

Sometimes I wonder “is this just a phase?” Will the “old me” come back? Looking back, I sure hope not.

The old me appeared happy, but I covered a tremendous amount of pain behind my smile. I didn’t have the concrete assurance of God’s unconditional love for me. Now, when I’m sad, I let it out, and I’m not ashamed to make it known to Him or others. When I’m hurt, I know where to take the pain first. I’ve learned how to pray in a humble posture that reminds my heart and my head that I want to fully submit my life, emotions, and actions to Him. I didn’t even think of doing that before. I just didn’t know….

The old me had an addiction to people pleasing. People’s opinions and preferences were more important to me than God’s. I thought I was just loving them, but I was idolizing them. So much so, that if the person I was trying to please was having a bad day or seemed upset, I blamed myself. I saw this as a personal failure. That’s so sad and not the way I ever want to live again.

Please, Lord, keep working on me. One of the biggest problems with people pleasing is that if you feel like someone isn’t pleased with you (whether they are or aren’t), it devastates you. Your sense of worth becomes dependant on how other people act towards you and around you and you feel responsible for their actions. Their criticism or indifference also hurts like a knife. It shouldn’t. They are them and I am me and neither one of us are perfect. I view being able to write that last line as a huge victory! People pleasing is so defeating. I just didn’t know…

We are capable of going through all kinds of phases. Heavy drinking phases, sleeping around phases, drug phases, spending phases, even spirituality phases…. anything to ease or distract us from the pain. Please, Lord, let my relationship with you not come down to a “Jesus phase”. Let it be real, let it be lasting, let it glorify You.

Will the “old me” resurface? The one people knew before the divorce? I’ll be honest when I say the divorce completely broke me for many reasons. The biggest reason probably being that I didn’t want it. What I wanted was for our marriage to be miraculously healed. I believe going through a divorce you don’t want falls along the same lines as being given a diagnosis you don’t want. It comes down to acceptance and how you choose to move forward in life. We get what we get. And, many times we don’t want it! God knew best. He knew that I would continue to attempt to please my husband in an unhealthy way which would keep us both unhealthy and me mistreated in the marriage. Praise God, He broke those chains, even against my will at the time. He had His way and I trust it was in our best interest. His way always is….

I’ve never felt Jesus closer to me than in the heartbreak of that trial. His love became concrete, palpable, real. For that reason alone, I consider my heartbreak a blessing. There is a huge difference between hearing Jesus loves you and knowing He does. I feel like I used to live on scraps. Now, I see His love as a banquet spread out before me and I just can’t believe my eyes. Thank God that His love for us is and never was “just a phase”. It’s unfailing!

Now, I know. I know that He LOVES me and He wants me, no matter what has happened or what may happen. I struggle with finding the words to express what a difference that makes. Now, on the days I can’t “feel” His love for me, I still know it’s there. I can still have my fill and I am beyond grateful.

How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights. Psalms 36:7-8 (NLT)

AMEN! Let us all have our fill.

When It Doesn’t Make Sense…

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sense

There was nothing else I could do or say, just let the chips fall. Let the dream go. Let it happen. Thus began a new chapter. A chapter I didn’t want to write, but had to.

I host a women’s Bible study on Wednesday nights. Last night, I felt the Spirit speak straight to my heart. I went in heavy and came out reassured. Our lesson was all about the times in life when there are no answers. The illness or abuse of a child, the tragic death of a teen, the loss of a pregnant mother, a tornado that demolishes a town, a deranged shooter who kills the innocent, a dreaded diagnosis, a marriage torn apart. So many events in this life that leave people looking to God and pastors with a “why”? “Why would God allow this?” “Where is this God you speak of in the midst of all this?” Traumatic events that change a life forever without permission…..on a dime.

The verse that nailed my confusion was: Then the Lord said, “Here is a place for you to stand by me on this large rock. I will put you in a large crack in that rock. Then I will cover you with my hand, and my Glory will pass by. Then I will take away my hand, and you will see my back. But you will not see my face.” Exodus 33:21-23 (ERV)

In these events when we can not understand, He places us in the crack right beside Him. Our vision is impeded, because it’s in these times, that His hand is covering us the tightest. What we see as darkness is His covering, His Glory. Him. He is still in control when we are not, He still hears when we can not, He is still sovereign and we never were. Our understanding may be hindered, but His is not…ever.

He doesn’t just see our situation…He sees them all. Every heart, every tear, every injustice, every single one and they hurt His heart too. There are times when we can’t give or see any justifiable reason for an event. We can only trust God, in His sovereignty, to see and to know. To trust His heart when we cannot see His plan is faith. And, I want more of it…..

He Touched Me

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I believe God touches us so that we can touch others. My relationship with God has come more and more to the forefront of my life from the time I had my first daughter to now. He has moved to the top spot in my life because I’ve relied on Him so much. He’s been tender, patient, and authoritative in my life and I have been receptive. I needed to be. I knew I needed Him, there was no other way.

I am also so thankful I learned who God is to ME. It took a personal encounter with Him to change my heart forever. He touched me in the midst of my brokenness, literally. I felt Him wrap His presence around me lying in bed one night after silently crying out to Him. I asked Him to wrap His arms around me and He did. In that moment, no one else would or could. With His touch, He reaffirmed His love for me. I will never forget it and I will share it with anyone who will listen. He is real. He is with us. He hears us. He protects us. And, He speaks our personal love language.

I know, in my head, that He’s been with me my whole life. I just didn’t pay much attention. My relationship with Him didn’t alter or affect the choices that I made. It wasn’t until I had daughters of my own and the pain of a divorce that my eyes were opened to His relentless love. Now, my knowledge of Him has moved to my heart and I pray that He always stays right there. His touch changed me.

I would never want to go back to the “old me” who lived unaware, unobservant, and unappreciative of His love. The “new me” wants to comfort and encourage others, longs to be in His presence, and wants to conquer fear in His name. I just want to do what He wants me to do….and that brings me true joy. I want to because of what He’s done for me.

He didn’t just die for me, He touched me when I needed it the most.

 

 

Easier Said Than Done

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walk

Growing in my walk with God has been an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything, even what I’ve been through to get here. It was worth it. Feeling His presence in my deepest pain has led to my desire to feel and listen to Him more. I long to hear His voice and I want to obey because of His love for me. I’ve learned so much about who I used to be, who I’ve always been, who I am to Him, and where He wants to take me. I’ve also learned how hard the Christian walk is to walk in this world.

I get now why it’s easier to say you’re a Christian, but not live like one. Because, I did…for years. I get now why it takes supernatural and divine power to stand up, speak up, and walk daily with Him. His way is HARD for us. His way doesn’t come naturally in our selfish human flesh. Once we’re open to Him and His love for us, He takes our hands and leads us out of sin by convicting us and staying on us until we see and choose His way for ourselves. Even with His help, we will never be sinless in this world, but by His grace it is possible to sin less. His way leads to lasting peace and joy. Once our eyes have been opened, we see how the world’s way leads to quick satisfaction, but is followed by regret.

I’d rather my girls choose lasting peace and joy. Not a quick fix, whether it be acting on revenge, hatred, jealousy, or lust. If I’d rather them choose His way, the best example would be for me to as well. I want that lasting peace and joy too. So, here goes…..a list of things easier said than done, but lead to lasting peace and joy, in the Christian walk.

  • Holding my tongue in anger
  • Letting the last word be God’s
  • Not lashing out at my loved ones
  • Having the courage to address issues with loved ones in a reconciliatory manner that leads to healing on both sides
  • Denying the flesh while single (especially after being married 10 years!)
  • Forgiveness
  • Choosing to love even when it’s not openly returned
  • Daily quiet and prayer times
  • Waiting on God
  • Stepping out in faith
  • Fighting the paralyzing fear of people’s opinions
  • Just doing what God wants me to do….the quicker the better!

These are a few things that come to mind that are very hard for me, but I feel called to do. They also never crossed my mind in my teens and 20s. I guess my relationship with God, marriage, divorce, and two daughters have brought me to a place where I’ve never been before. And, since this is all new to me, I’m more dependent than ever on God to lead me through it. Because…I sure don’t know how to do this! I just know He’s brought me here, so I’d better trust Him to help me. I could never do these things on my own.

I know I’ll need major help, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1

I know I’ll need major strength, where does my strength come from?

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. Psalms 28:7a

I know I’ll need supportive friends. Thank God for the ones I have and the ones I’ve made. They are gifts! Where do these friends come from?

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Sharing my walk in this format has been a huge personal step of faith and has forced me to face fear every single time I write and share. He has promised to teach me healthy love and asked me to share what I learn in return. That’s the least I could do for the lessons He’s teaching me! But still, He knows how much it scares me…..so He continues to lovingly nudge.

Blessing others in this process has been the biggest blessing of all. Words can’t express my gratefulness for your love, support, and encouragement! You have helped more than you could ever know. There are no sufficient words, only love and gratitude from my heart to yours.

Let’s continue to walk together….