But, I Didn’t Want That…

Not getting what we want does not mean that God loves us any less.

Last weekend a little girl in our town fell. Traumatic brain injury. The kind of fall that many get up from. The kind of fall that could happen to any of us. The kind of fall her daddy never saw coming. We prayed for a miracle….but she didn’t make it. Hearts are broken.

She has rocked so many people’s worlds. Watching this family grieve, lifting their hands and hearts to their Heavenly Father. Literally praising Him in their storm. Giving their daughter back to the One who gave her to them. Helping others by donating and giving other children the gift of life through the loss of her own. The ability to share so publicly that their love for God is not for one minute lessened by this tragedy. They know He weeps with them.

To hear that they may not have received the miracle they prayed for, but that now she has become the miracle that so many parents had lost hope in.

Seeing all this has renewed my boldness for our God. If God can do that…. If God can be seen here. If God is not doubted for a second by this family in this tragedy. How have I ever allowed it in my life? It’s not crazy. It’s crazy faith.

They prayed that their little one would recover. She didn’t this side of heaven, but she has blessed eight others with her gifts of life and countless others by this family’s testimony.

Their grief is glorifying the God so many do not understand. This is the type of situation that makes people question if God can be a God of love at all. That an innocent child would die by such a random accident. And, if so, how will their parents respond? Will their faith be shaken? Will they turn away? Will they change their minds and hearts towards the God they thought they knew, but must not have? That’s what the devil wants. But, the answer to all these questions is absolutely not. Their faith is stronger than ever.

They plan to show their God off. In her memorial service. Online. In person. They will use this to share His Glory. How is this possible? Only through a personal relationship with the One who they KNOW loves them most, even though. And their daughter too, even though. Only because that love has been cemented in their hearts and souls. God didn’t answer their prayers the way they wanted Him to. So, yes, they will grieve, but nothing will stop their faith in and commitment to the One who had another plan for their daughter and that was to help so many others, including me.

Deep Grief

deep grief

While I can’t personally speak of the grief associated with physically losing a child, parent, sibling or best friend yet, I can speak to the grief of divorce. As both a child of it and one of my own, I can relate to that pain. Both divorces I didn’t want. Both divorces left me at the mercy of other people’s choices.

I grieved the loss of a dream, the loss of my will, the loss of the life I thought we would live, the loss of a man I loved whether I should have or not. I still did. I grieved the loss of his family whom I had grown to love. I grieved for my girls. I already knew the life long struggles they would encounter because of it. The loss of my marriage hit me deeper because I was determined to stay married through anything. I was willing to fight for it. It was devastating to my self worth, tender heart, and desire to honor my commitment.

It’s been four years since my divorce and I thought I would share how I felt and some of the things that I did during my deep grief. There seems to be a lot of grief around me right now. Three deaths and a funeral this past week and my heart is heavy with loss. No one escapes grief. It comes in many forms. The emotional or physical loss of someone you love, a dream you had, or a change that alters what you had originally hoped for will need to be grieved. If this helps one person to know they aren’t alone or strange in how they feel or deal with grief, it will be worth it.

My physical grief was such that I lost 20 pounds that first year. I had no appetite and excessive thirst. I couldn’t get enough water and didn’t want any food. Nothing sounded good. I ate to live for the first time in my life. Normally, I love to eat and look forward to my next meal. I was physically ill from my emotional pain. I could feel it. I had physical pain in my chest and queasiness in my stomach.

I never missed a day of work. Work gave me purpose and routine was helpful during that time. My boss made it clear that if I needed to stay home for emotional reasons, they would understand. If I had skipped and stayed home, I felt like my sadness would have been worse. Alone, in the house we shared, alone or with the kids, didn’t help. I went to work every day and poured through the Bible between patients. I clung to Bible verses and sought God like I never had.

I read and read and read. I would shut my office door sometimes and cry. When time to reset passwords would come, I would use words like “surrender”, “godisfirst”, “remember”, “remain”, and “godislove”. If I had to type a phrase over and over again, it might as well be some of these. I needed the constant reminders. I still do this.

I started to walk every day on my lunch break. I already had anxious thoughts constantly racing through my mind, at least my feet could try to keep up with them rather than sitting still with my heart pounding. I felt like my heart raced whether I was moving or sitting still. Walking and fresh air helped. I still look forward to my lunch time walks. Sometimes I pray silently or out loud while I walk, sometimes I fill my headphones with music. Depends on my mood. It helped and still does.

I prayed on my face first thing every morning on my bathroom rug. I cried more tears than I knew possible. I dry-heaved. I questioned. I surrendered. And, I ultimately, accepted. None of that makes what I deal with today easy. But, what I learned to do while grieving does still help me today. It also gives me HUGE compassion for others who have felt similar pain.

I plugged into a women’s Bible study small group, leaned on them, and gained prayer warriors. I started to write and summoned the courage to share. I decided to write about the love I craved in hopes it would touch others like it touched me. Writing about His love helps me. The love that never walks out, demeans, betrays, or rejects. The love that never fails. I knew I needed it desperately, and still do.

Grief doesn’t end, it changes. I still deal with issues because of the divorce. I’m aware that I always will. I’m also certain I will encounter more grief as this life continues. My prayer is that what I’ve learned will help me through those times. And, that I can support others through theirs.

May His Love surround us.