Tag: reconciliation

Forgiveness Is For Us.

Published on by The Love We CraveLeave a comment

I’m a peacemaker at heart. I always “feel” better when everyone is getting along. I’ve been told, even as a child, that I’d go to the kid who was feeling left out. And that I was the first to welcome new ones at school, church, and so on. It’s in my nature to seek out, attempt to bond, and to forgive.

The message at church today was exactly what I needed to hear personally regarding forgiveness. I’ve always heard forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I’ve also heard it has nothing to do with the other person, especially if they haven’t even apologized. Where I struggled was that in my mind, if I’d done the hard part of forgiving and the relationship didn’t improve or change immediately afterward, I was left thinking I hadn’t done it “right” or that something was missing on my part. Like, I still hadn’t done enough.

Today, we heard a speaker at church explain this in a way I needed to hear. To help me understand. She explained how forgiving her multiple abusers as a young girl didn’t mean the abuse would stop. She still needed to remove herself and be protected by others. Forgiveness freed her, but reconciliation wasn’t on her shoulders. Reconciliation could only come with an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, genuine repentance from the offender, and measures taken to rebuild trust over time on her terms.

To this day, not one of her abusers has actually apologized to her. But still, she has forgiven. By doing so, she clips the roots of bitterness each time they attempt to take root by forgiving… again. Seventy times seven.

She knows she didn’t deserve it. She knows the people who said it was her fault or “no big deal” needed forgiveness just as much as her abusers did. She knew, even at a young age, that it was not okay. And, she knows now as an adult, that her forgiveness doesn’t mean it all of a sudden is. It’s still not OK. But, forgiven in her heart. So, her heart can remain pure and a vessel for our Father’s Grace. Forgiving them as Christ has forgiven her. We all fall short. They may hide their faces from her like we hide our faces from God when we’ve sinned against Him. Like Adam and Eve did in the garden. But her heart and face glow in the light of Jesus’s love and forgiveness, even for them.

There are some situations where forgiveness and reconciliation can happen. That’s beautiful and that’s biblical. There are other situations where forgiveness can happen, but reconciliation does not. That is also biblical. The other person may not even think they need forgiveness. The other person may have justified their actions entirely in their mind, leaving the offended feeling at fault for even being offended in the first place. This is not a place where reconciliation is healthy. But forgiveness always is. That’s between you and God. Freeing you to love anyway, from wherever you need to.

Most of the offenses done to us are far less traumatic than sexual abuse, but here this woman was expressing how His Grace allowed healing even there. Little by little, small(er) things add up and take root. A root of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, resentment, turning our hearts to stone. This leads to stubbornness, a lack of empathy, and a connection with God and others. Not only does it affect the offended, but it can also be passed on through generations. Through forgiveness, Jesus offers us a heart of flesh all over again. Just as He designed it. The abundant and loved life…even though and anyway.

What the Lord opened my heart and mind to today was that just because a relationship doesn’t improve or change after I decide to forgive, it doesn’t mean I haven’t opened my heart to forgiveness enough. Jesus covers. That person’s heart hasn’t necessarily changed or softened just because mine has. That’s between them and God. When both hearts can be changed and softened, reconciliation is possible. With no accountability, reconciliation is not.

Forgiveness is for us. Reconciliation is available if both parties are willing to put in the necessary effort to make it happen. And, if not, it doesn’t mean the forgiver hasn’t forgiven “enough”. There is no shame or condemnation for those in Jesus Christ, only redemption. A new thing has come; let it.

When Words Fail…

Published on by The Love We Crave2 Comments

I’m a writer, so I obviously love words. I share them and sometimes they flow…But, there are also times when words fail me. Expressing appreciation and in the midst of conflict are the two most common times. Multiple times, I’ve caught myself saying, “I know this sounds meager, but thank you.” But, is it really? Because I can also think of times I would have appreciated nothing more than hearing a “thank you” or an “I’m sorry too”. I think most can relate. When words fail, how about getting back to the basics?

I’m sorry & thank you.

On my lunchtime walk today,  I was running these situations through my head. When hearts are hurt and heads are hot, words can go flying. It’s happened to me more than I’d like to admit. Then, I’m at a loss. I’ll bet most of you can relate. We have three choices. Let the relationship suffer and possibly die, stay in conflict, or do our part. May I suggest “I’m sorry”. This doesn’t mean the whole thing was your fault, it means “I’m sorry for my part in it.” How the other person accepts or responds is on them. Most conflicts are two sided. Can we just say “I’m sorry”. And, “What can I do differently here?”

When expressing gratitude for love given, lives shared, or deeds done, words fail me. I feel I could go on and on and on and it’s just not enough. So….”Thank you” will have to suffice. I can think of a few instances where I’ve gone above and beyond for someone who hasn’t done the same for me, and not even a “thank you” followed.

I remember thinking, “Man, not even a thank you!” How simple is that? Are they thankful at all or do they just not know that they should say it? We don’t know, so it leaves us feeling taken advantage of. Thank yous matter…they should be shared and not taken for granted. Thank a person. It’s the least you can do and honestly the most you can do for something they’ve given or done for you. Anything. Be it forgiveness, a listening ear, a hug, and ride, a sweet note, met you halfway, fed you.

As parents, we often say to our kids..”What do you say?” When a “Thank you” or an “I’m sorry” is warranted. So, how about as adults, we recognize how powerful these although “simple” phrases really are and what a long way they can go in our adult relationships? In some cases, what more can you say?

When someone shows they love me, I’m thankful. When someone says I’ve hurt them, I’m sorry. When words fly and fail, use them. They may just salvage or cement the relationship. If you truly mean them, you will have done your part in doing so.