I’m a peacemaker at heart. I always “feel” better when everyone is getting along. I’ve been told, even as a child, that I’d go to the kid who was feeling left out. And that I was the first to welcome new ones at school, church, and so on. It’s in my nature to seek out, attempt to bond, and to forgive.
The message at church today was exactly what I needed to hear personally regarding forgiveness. I’ve always heard forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I’ve also heard it has nothing to do with the other person, especially if they haven’t even apologized. Where I struggled was that in my mind, if I’d done the hard part of forgiving and the relationship didn’t improve or change immediately afterward, I was left thinking I hadn’t done it “right” or that something was missing on my part. Like, I still hadn’t done enough.
Today, we heard a speaker at church explain this in a way I needed to hear. To help me understand. She explained how forgiving her multiple abusers as a young girl didn’t mean the abuse would stop. She still needed to remove herself and be protected by others. Forgiveness freed her, but reconciliation wasn’t on her shoulders. Reconciliation could only come with an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, genuine repentance from the offender, and measures taken to rebuild trust over time on her terms.
To this day, not one of her abusers has actually apologized to her. But still, she has forgiven. By doing so, she clips the roots of bitterness each time they attempt to take root by forgiving… again. Seventy times seven.
She knows she didn’t deserve it. She knows the people who said it was her fault or “no big deal” needed forgiveness just as much as her abusers did. She knew, even at a young age, that it was not okay. And, she knows now as an adult, that her forgiveness doesn’t mean it all of a sudden is. It’s still not OK. But, forgiven in her heart. So, her heart can remain pure and a vessel for our Father’s Grace. Forgiving them as Christ has forgiven her. We all fall short. They may hide their faces from her like we hide our faces from God when we’ve sinned against Him. Like Adam and Eve did in the garden. But her heart and face glow in the light of Jesus’s love and forgiveness, even for them.
There are some situations where forgiveness and reconciliation can happen. That’s beautiful and that’s biblical. There are other situations where forgiveness can happen, but reconciliation does not. That is also biblical. The other person may not even think they need forgiveness. The other person may have justified their actions entirely in their mind, leaving the offended feeling at fault for even being offended in the first place. This is not a place where reconciliation is healthy. But forgiveness always is. That’s between you and God. Freeing you to love anyway, from wherever you need to.
Most of the offenses done to us are far less traumatic than sexual abuse, but here this woman was expressing how His Grace allowed healing even there. Little by little, small(er) things add up and take root. A root of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, resentment, turning our hearts to stone. This leads to stubbornness, a lack of empathy, and a connection with God and others. Not only does it affect the offended, but it can also be passed on through generations. Through forgiveness, Jesus offers us a heart of flesh all over again. Just as He designed it. The abundant and loved life…even though and anyway.
What the Lord opened my heart and mind to today was that just because a relationship doesn’t improve or change after I decide to forgive, it doesn’t mean I haven’t opened my heart to forgiveness enough. Jesus covers. That person’s heart hasn’t necessarily changed or softened just because mine has. That’s between them and God. When both hearts can be changed and softened, reconciliation is possible. With no accountability, reconciliation is not.
Forgiveness is for us. Reconciliation is available if both parties are willing to put in the necessary effort to make it happen. And, if not, it doesn’t mean the forgiver hasn’t forgiven “enough”. There is no shame or condemnation for those in Jesus Christ, only redemption. A new thing has come; let it.
The Love We Crave 