My Letter to Her…

letter

I’ll never understand how, what, when, or exactly why. I don’t need to, nor do I even want to at this point. What I do know is I didn’t worry about you as his coworker. You were a friend, our friend I thought. You were married and I remember your health was a concern from time to time. My husband talked such a big game about others who strayed, I never thought he would. I don’t know when it went from coworkers to friends to more. I don’t know how he fell. But, he did. He fell so in love with you that he wanted out. But, he didn’t know how to do it.

He had already stopped spending family time together, stopped date nights, made excuses even when we had a babysitter not to go, yet none of that was enough. It wasn’t until I went months with him refusing to touch me at all, that I asked him to leave for a week for some soul searching to figure out what was going on. And leave he did, so fast my head spun. Never to return, except for his things. Gone like the wind. I still didn’t know about you. I asked multiple times if there was someone else, was told “no”, and I still never thought it possible. We had an infant and a five year old at the time. It was all I could do to keep my head above water and his time, mind, and body was elsewhere. With you.

And, he’s still with you. Married to you. Raising our kids with you. When I actually did get confirmation about you, it was painful, but in some ways a relief to know I was right. There was someone else and it was you.

I’ve always been drawn to women’s ministry and God spoke to my heart early on that if my heart for and work with women is to flourish, I can’t have a bitter heart towards you. I may encounter women who have walked in both of our shoes. I can’t hate you. I can’t wish you harm. I can’t shame you. I should cry out to God. I should pray over you. I should be thankful you love my girls and they love you. I should foster their relationship with you.

This is not what I wanted, but it is what I received. So, in order to make the best of this co-parenting situation, I must forgive and wish you both the best. Every other option hurts the kids and me more. I know from experience because my own parents are divorced. The child should never feel the strain between natural and step parent. It’s not the child’s fault that they have both. Making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent is placing blame where it doesn’t belong. They should be able to love both without one or the other getting offended.

I fought for our marriage long after he was already gone. He was just waiting for me to ask him to go so he could blame me for the separation. He ran straight to you. I’ll never know how your relationship got to the point it did, but I don’t blame you any more than I blame him. You both made the choice to be together. The pain I experienced when he withdrew emotionally and physically was confusing. The pain I felt when he left and blamed me on the way out the door was excruciating. The pain I felt when I got the proof of you was nauseating. I remember blacking out and needing to sit down. But, the pain I experienced when my girls loved and clung to you from the very beginning cannot be put into words. Their sweet hearts didn’t understand what was happening. I thank God they didn’t feel it at the time and pray they never, ever personally do.

This pain has changed me forever. I pray for the better. It has brought me to my knees and onto my face. It has broken me wide open. This pain brought me to the only One who could put breath in my lungs and a desire to turn this over. It is also what propels me to come alongside others who feel it or help others prevent it. We all need forgiveness. We all need grace. We all need love. And, we all need hope. May God be glorified through this pain and my story. May He alone be seen as the Deliverer of what we all need most and that is peace in a situation that could, would, should lead to anything but.

My prayer for you is that he loves you well. And, that our daughters see that. My prayer is that your marriage be long and be your last. That you help him in every way that I couldn’t. That he’s faithful to you. That’s he’s engaged. That he prioritizes family time. That he’s affectionate when you need him to be. And, that you remain healthy. If my girls are destined a stepmother, I’m thankful they have one like you. Involved, caring, supportive, present, eager to love and nurture.

None of this has been easy for me. But, knowing they are loved when they are at their dad’s is not something I have had to worry about. And, I thank you for that. Now, let’s raise some girls together.

 

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21 thoughts on “My Letter to Her…

  1. Unbelievable pain. Only God’s grace and love allows you to write these words. You have truly been to the very depths. Yes I can relate; however my kids were much older. You have an added challenge. What mother should ever be asked to share her children. I feel your pain as you have so courageously expressed it, and applaud your decisions based on God’s love as you have experienced it and the mother’s instinct He has put in your heart. You are truly amazing❤️.

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    1. Amen!! Thank You Jesus for Your Grace!! We ALL need it. Please help me walk this out. And, may GOD continue to be glorified through my story! ONLY through Him can I do this. I’m so sorry for your pain too Sandra….

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  2. How do you do this? I have just recently found out that my adult children’s father is dating someone after he divorced me one and half years ago. I have a problem detesting her and being jealous of her moving in on my relationship with my daughter. The only prayer I can pray for her is that her husband will come back to her so she won’t be available. But it would just be someone else down the road. Being replaced with someone I could have mothered is a very hard hit. Makes me full of many questions. How I wish our church would be more active in assisting in marriage crisis- betrayal, how to deal with love gone cold and the big one for me pronography. We have got to do something as a church to keep our families together.

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    1. You are right. It will be someone else if not her. I have decided to do this because I can’t change it. I can’t change the fact that he wanted a divorce and I can’t change the fact that he moved on. So, I’ve decided to forgive them both and look at the positive which is she loves my girls and they love her. If they have to have a stepmom better one that loves them than one that doesn’t. And, I also agree on the church! I’m doing my best to help.🙏

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  3. Boy, I can relate to all these comments. I do believe “Nothing is impossible with God” I have seen HIM work mighty miracles in my life and situation. I do wish our church had more ministry for Marriages and supported it at a higher level. It is the Most Sacred Institution God has given us. and it represents His (the Groom ) relationship with us ( the Church). God is the only one who can help us each as we walk through these heart aches and pain. Darla, you are a blessing to many with your ability to share your raw tough feelings and forgiveness. My prayers are with you as God guides you and carries you down this path. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Yes, I feel a calling to share and help in any way I can. I can’t help without being willing to share my own pain. I have felt such a burden lifted by getting it out there. May God be glorified in it. Thank you SO much for your prayers and support!

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  4. Heartwrenching and yet beautiful in a way only the Father can orchestrate. I can only imagine the depths of pain and dispair you experienced before placing it all in the Fathers hands. God Bless You!

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    1. Yes, I don’t want to live the rest of my life that way. Or my girls to feel an ounce of the pain I have…Anything I can do to prevent that on my end, I pray God’s strength to do so.

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  5. I experienced a smiliar situation 2 years ago and that is when I started this blog. I am so sorry for your pain. It is a pain like no other and hard for others to really understand. I was diagnosed with PTSD when all of this came to light in my life. I dealt with it and in a MUCH better place now. Good luck. Feel free to check out my blog as well. I chronicles my experiences.

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    1. Oh, thank you for sharing! I am praying for your heart right now. I know the pain. May GOD bless you abundantly, touch you, and use you and your story for His purposes. I will definitely check it out! Wishing you a blessed Thanksgiving. May you feel His Love.

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