Tag: love

Married 7 times?!

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commitment

I had a patient this morning who struggled to get on the bed for her test and said “try not to get old dear, it hurts.” I actually hear that from a lot of my patients and I try to remind them that it sure beats the alternative. Sadly, some of them still say, “well, I’m not so sure.” I told her “I’m so sorry it hurts, take your time”.  She replied with “that’s life honey, it just hurts”. Then she started to tell me about her life and how she should have “taken better care of herself”.

She explained that she dove headfirst into all the drinking, drugs, and sex she could get a hold of. She even shared with me that she had been married SEVEN times! That just blew me away. I incorrectly assumed that she had been left seven times and started to try to console her. She quickly and honestly corrected me by saying she’s the one who always left. Wow! She affirmed that all of her husbands had been good men with the exception of one. I asked her why she left and she told me she just “got bored”. This was such an eye opening conversation for me since it was coming from a woman.

She says she didn’t become a Christian until she was in her 40s. But, even then she still left husbands. She reminded me that the Christian journey is just that, a journey. Change and wisdom don’t come overnight. I guess they could if God so chooses, but typically it takes time, alot of grace, experiences, and failures to learn how much God loves us and how He wants us to love others. She is a strong Christian woman now. She loves God with all her heart and confided in me that the main reason she left all her husbands was because she didn’t know that love meant commitment. She thought love was based solely on feelings and once they faded, she got bored and just left. She says she knows now that love is a choice and a commitment that you make in spite of feelings.

I wanted to share her testimony because it really spoke to my heart. She shared with me that her pastor has asked her to speak on marriage and she told him she could only speak on what NOT to do. That’s valuable too and I think she should! We need to hear what not to do as much as what to do. Her parting words of advice to me were when you are married and look over at your spouse and wonder “what the heck am I doing with this person?” or have an argument (which you will). Don’t leave! Work through it, make the choice to love and STAY. Pray and get the help necessary, but stay. Sidenote: you can’t MAKE someone stay who doesn’t want to be there and you shouldn’t stay if there is any form of abuse or unrepentant infidelity. I’m aware that every troubled marriage has different variables going on.

She reminded me to never get married on feelings alone because although our feelings change every day, the commitment to love shouldn’t. If you get married on feelings alone, you may very well leave when those feelings fade. They will ebb and flow, but the commitment should stand firm. The only reason she kept getting married over and over was because she “felt” like it was right……seven times. And she is single today. Feelings are fickle and lust fades. But, true love grows.

She reminded me that only God’s love can satisfy. She reminded me that we can bless others even after we fail over and over. She reminded me that God can and will use us to reach and teach others no matter what has happened in our pasts or who we “were”. She reminded me that pointing others towards Jesus is the single most loving act you can perform in ANY relationship (including marriage) because His love is the ONLY love guaranteed not to up and leave by choice or death. Even the blessed couples that make it till death do they part, will still part, unless Jesus returns first.

She regrets the string of broken hearts she left behind in her brokenness. Today, she blessed and inspired mine and we are both grateful for that. God is a God of restoration. I asked her if I could share her story and she said she would be honored. May God bless her abundantly for sharing with me.

 

 

He Loves Me Enough To….

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he loves me enough to

He loves me enough to….

  • Let go
  • Forgive
  • Relax
  • Move forward
  • Change
  • Be honest and get real
  • Admit weakness
  • Come to my rescue
  • Help me raise my children
  • Listen anytime and every time
  • Try new things
  • Try again
  • Chase a new dream
  • Give more than I “think” I can
  • Share more than I “think” I can
  • Speak up
  • Stand up
  • Keep going….

That’s freedom to me.

Each one of us has different fears, different issues, different pasts, and different baggage. God’s love is the healing balm. Feeling His love will cover you, embrace you, strengthen you, remind you, and overwhelm you. His love is why my grandpa’s favorite song was “No Regrets”. The lyrics “No regrets, I chose to follow Him” is actually written along the bottom of his tombstone and I can hear him singing it every time I read those lines….

No regrets because His love is what it’s all about.

In the Trenches

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trenches

Do you ever feel like you are “in the trenches”? In the trenches of raising littles ones, in the trenches of working full time, trenches of singleness, marriage, or a long term relationship? There are trenches of all sorts…..caring for elderly parents, caring for infants, raising teenagers, grief, even empty nester trenches. When we see someone in a trench with us, we should come up alongside and encourage them. So often our human instinct is to judge, compare, criticize, and question. Where’s the love in that?

Open your heart and eyes to others and help them if you can. Encourage when you can. Sympathize, empathize, and love. If you can’t do any of these, don’t intentionally harm them. Correction can be a form of love, but to quote John Maxwell “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” TRUTH! They will know us by the way we love.

Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34,35

The next time you see someone in a trench with you or one you’ve been in before, give them a smile, a compliment, or at least an understanding head nod to let them know that you can relate to what they are dealing with. Offer them a push and a prayer because we all get stuck now and then. The trenches of life are seasons. Some seasons last longer than others, let’s help each other get to the other side.

Daddies and Daughters

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daddy

This is the best list that I’ve come across to explain the importance of how much daughters look to our daddies for love in the form of approval, acceptance, grace, tenderness, and direction. We CRAVE it. Our earthly fathers have a tremendous responsibility in shaping our hearts for the future. We look to you first for acceptance and approval (especially when we mess up). We look to you to determine our self worth.

Before we learn to seek and look to our Heavenly Father for our sense of worth, we look to YOU. This is why we tend to turn to men that treat us like you do for comfort and eventually marriage. This is why it is SO important when we are young for us to truly feel your love. If you get the privilege of raising a daughter or stepdaughter, learn to love her in her language (it’s probably different than yours), show her how to be treated and what to accept and not accept from a man, fess up when you mess up (this teaches us that humility is honorable), and tell her how beautiful she is (alot)! She will ALWAYS look up to you. She will learn about who God is to her by the way you treat and value her. She will ALWAYS love you fiercely.

Here is the list:

1. How you love me is how I will love myself.
2. Ask how I am feeling and listen to my answer, I need to know you value me before I can understand my true value.
3. I learn how I should be treated by how you treat my mom, whether you are married to her or not.
4. If you are angry with me, I feel it even if I don’t understand it, so talk to me.
5. Every time you show grace to me or someone else, I learn to trust God a little more.
6. I need to experience your nurturing physical strength, so I learn to trust the physicality of men.
7. Please don’t talk about sex like a teenage boy, or I think it’s something dirty.
8. When your tone is gentle, I understand what you are saying much better.
9. How you talk about female bodies when you’re ‘just joking’ is what I believe about my own.
10. How you handle my heart, is how I will allow it to be handled by others.
11. If you encourage me to find what brings joy, I will always seek it.
12. If you teach me what safe feels like when I’m with you, I will know better how to guard myself from men who are not.
13. Teach me a love of art, science, and nature, and I will learn that intellect matters more than dress size.
14. Let me say exactly what I want even if it’s wrong or silly, because I need to know having a strong voice is acceptable to you.
15. When I get older, if you seem afraid of my changing body, I will believe something is wrong with it.
16. If you understand contentment for yourself, so will I.
17. When I ask you to let go, please remain available; I will always come back and need you if you do.
18. If you demonstrate tenderness, I learn to embrace my own vulnerability rather than fear it.
19. When you let me help fix the car and paint the house, I will believe I can do anything a boy can do.
20. When you protect my femininity, I learn everything about me is worthy of protecting.
21. How you treat our dog when you think I’m not watching tells me more about you than does just about anything else.
22. Don’t let money be everything, or I learn not to respect it or you.
23. Hug, hold, and kiss me in all the ways a daddy does that are right and good and pure. I need it so much to understand healthy touch.
24. Please don’t lie, because I believe what you say.
25. Don’t avoid hard conversations, because it makes me believe I’m not worth fighting for.

“It’s pretty simple, really. Little girls just love their daddies. They each think their daddy hung the moon. Once in a while when you look at your little gal twirling in her frilly skirt, remember she’ll be grown one day. What do you want her to know about men, life, herself, love? What you do and say now MATTERS for a lifetime. Daddies, never underestimate the impact of your words or deeds on your daughters, no matter their age.”

This is priceless information. So true!

Guard Your Heart

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heart

I have an interesting career. I look at people’s hearts all day using ultrasound. Just like any job, it can get monotonous after 14 years, but today I’m reminded of how interesting it really is.

We check the heart function of every patient by assessing their ejection fraction. A heart’s normal ejection fraction is about 65%. When we come across a patient with a 5-10% ejection fraction, their heart is barely squeezing. Sometimes their heart function is so weak, I catch myself looking over to make sure they are still breathing even though I just walked with them from the lobby to my lab to run the test.

It’s truly amazing that the body can still function with a heart that is barely squeezing. But, it happens, and our doctors treat it all the time.

One thing I have noticed over the years is that my sickest patients also tend to be the most kind, gracious, and patient people. Not always, but most of the time. Maybe because they know they are sick, maybe because they are grateful for the healthcare, maybe because they have adjusted their priorities, or maybe because they’ve made peace with themselves and others.

It’s very interesting to me that the people with the “broken” hearts that barely squeeze can touch our hearts and spirits in such a tender way. We listen and pay more attention when we see how poorly their hearts are functioning. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we could “see” how people’s hearts have been broken, betrayed, rejected, mended, or even revived in our daily lives?

Maybe that’s why we pay more attention when we know what someone has been through and what their story is. Everyone has a story.

I can visualize a person’s heart function with my ultrasound machine any day but I can’t “see” what that heart has been through. Our hearts are physically and spiritually our most prized possessions and worthy of the utmost protection.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23

I work with some extremely intelligent doctors who can treat your heart if it needs physical healing, but I know that God is the ultimate healer. He alone is the great physician and heart surgeon. Let Him hold and heal your heart.

Trust Him when people come and go from your life (because they will) and remember that He’s not going anywhere (because He won’t). He created and designed our hearts, that alone makes them worthy of protection.

That’s a Lie!

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whisper

The devil is a liar. He has always been a liar. He lied to Eve, he lied to Jesus, and he lies to us. In John 8:44, Jesus says this about the devil “when he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and a father of lies.” His lies are fuel for low self esteem, insecurity, and fear. If we can identify these lies and counter them with the truth, we are headed in the right direction. The devil’s lies put us in bondage. He strives to keep us there, but God’s truth will set us free. Here are a few of the lies the devil loves to literally pummel me with, maybe you can relate. Or maybe just putting them out there in black and white will remind me the next time he’s in my ear. He loves to do that.

  • Nobody cares what you have to say
  • It’s all your fault
  • If he didn’t want you, no one will
  • You’re a bad mom
  • You’re a burden
  • You are not worthy of real love

Ouch! I know they are hard to read, they are even harder to hear. I’m putting them out there, because I KNOW they are lies. Every single one of them are lies straight from the devil and I want you to know they are too. Don’t let him steal or destroy one more day of the abundant life God desires for you to live. Bring the lies to the light and watch the darkness disappear. Know that you aren’t alone. God knows the devil is a liar. He lied his way right out of Heaven.

When these or other lies are whispered in your ear just as they were to Eve, recognize them for what they are. They are NOT the truth, they are lies. Turn to God and ask Him who you are to him. Ask him how precious you are and remember that he DIED for you. Jesus’s life and death points us to the truth and the truth is that God would rather send his own son to die for us than to live without us for eternity. There are a few people on this earth that I would die for, but I can’t think of any that I would lay either of my children down for. That’s an unfathomable love. Remember THAT love when the lies come back….. because they will.

I can’t wait for heaven when the ultimate liar is silenced forever and we can live in the peace and splendor of God’s presence with zero shame, guilt, fear or lies. Now, that’s heaven!

When Love is What You Don’t Do

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Don't

To quote Forest Gump, “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” I feel like I’m in the same boat in discovering and sharing what healthy love is and what it is not. These actions do not equal love and respect even if they say they love you:

Love is when you….

  • Don’t ridicule or criticize their efforts
  • Don’t use the person for your own personal gratification
  • Don’t lie or cheat
  • Don’t belittle a person’s values or opinions
  • Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not
  • Don’t prevent or discourage growth in a person
  • Don’t intentionally hurt someone physically, mentally, or emotionally
  • Don’t expect your needs to be met without concern for the other’s needs
  • Don’t dismiss their ideas or feelings
  • Don’t shame or call names
  • Don’t withhold or withdraw from a person without explanation
  • Don’t isolate the person
  • Don’t minimize their problems or fears

Just a few that come to mind….

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Jesus is the ultimate example. Love is not easy and love will get messy, just look at the cross.  Love will take work, grace, and forgiveness. We will never get it perfect in our humanness, I know I haven’t. But, we can pray and ask Him to help us love in a way that pleases Him. We can ask forgiveness when we fail, and give it another shot. With Christ ALL things are possible. When our love tanks get low, refuel with the unfailing love of God and DON’T give up! If the love we offer is not received and/or returned, let them go. Letting them go is showing love for yourself and that is also VERY important. We can’t make someone love us but we are all worthy of love. Love never fails. DON’T forget that!

Which Language Do You Speak?

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umbrella

There’s a very well known book by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”. Great read! The five languages are as follow:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Acts of service
  • Gifts

If you’re like me, they are all wonderful! Where can I get more of all of the above please? They are all important in showing love. But, usually, there are a couple that stick out to us personally. If you’re married, ask your spouse what their love language is and do a lot of it. Love is sacrifice and it’s when you don’t feel like it and do it anyway, that you are showing true sacrificial love. Putting the other person’s needs before your own is sacrifice.

In a perfect world we would all marry a mate with the same exact love language as us, but for some reason it doesn’t seem to work that way. Opposites do attract and what we do in the beginning starts to fizzle out in time. When we are dating, the acts of love are flying off the shelf. It just comes naturally to do all of these when we are infatuated and hoping to impress a possible suitor. We seem to get it all, but it’s what we get AND give in the long run that counts.

If you are dating and considering marriage, it would be a great idea to find out what that person’s love language is and be honest with yourself and the other person if it’s not something you can see yourself dishing out a lot of. If they love physical affection and you’re not big on it, it may cause a problem down the road. If they are super picky about how the house is cleaned and acts of service is their language, watch out.  There’s nothing wrong with someone’s love language if it’s different than yours, it’s just part of what makes them tick, but be aware of what you’re getting into.

We tend to speak the love language that we most desire to receive. Your attempts to show love may fall on deaf ears if they don’t speak your primary language. It takes a conscious effort to think about what would show the other person we love them instead of giving them what we want for ourselves in return.

Learning someone’s love language is not just important in romantic relationships, but our kids, friends, and parents have them too. Love is not just a feeling, it’s an action. It’s something we DO for another. My primary love languages are time and touch. What’s yours? Investigate and try it out. Show someone some love today!

He Loves Me THAT Much?!?

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mothers love

Something about becoming a mother opened my heart to the love of God like never before in my life. We are all told when we are contemplating or expecting our first babies that we won’t be able to imagine the love we’ll feel when we see our baby for the first time. It’s true and it’s also true when they tell you your love will multiply with the next one. Our love doesn’t split it half, it doubles. It’s hard to imagine that we are even capable of that kind of love. A mother’s love is true love, no doubt. I’ve also come to know, as the rest of you mommies have, that our love grows every day for our babies. How does it continue to increase? How can we love them more today than the day we first laid eyes on them? Once again, it’s true and it’s hard to explain. Just tonight, I felt like my heart might burst when I kissed them goodnight. It’s a crazy love.

I remember standing over Abby’s crib one night when she was just a baby with tears in my eyes trying to contemplate my love for her, just trying to understand it. In that tender moment, I heard God whisper “I love her more.” That brought more tears. How could that be? He loves my baby more than I do?? I was overwhelmed. Thank you, Lord, for loving her! Take care of Her, Lord! Why did you trust her to me? I don’t know how to do this, Lord! All these thoughts and questions came like waves and so did the tears. I was overwhelmed with the fact that He could possibly love her more than I love her. I was still just trying to process the love I had for her.

Over the next few days, He continued to speak to my heart by telling me “I love you that much too.” But, I would argue and dismiss it. No, Lord, it’s not possible. Just love my baby, that’s more than enough. All I could think about was His incomprehensible love for her and I was so grateful! Slowly but surely, He continued to pursue me…….the mommy. Could it be true? He kept telling me “I love you that much too.” We would go back and forth with each other. Lord, if You love her more than I love her, does that really mean You could love me that much too? Really?? Do You really love me THAT much?!? His answer was a resounding “YES.” That’s not just a game changer, that’s a life changer. I’d never felt that kind of love before. It is unexplainable, unconditional, and unfailing. It’s not a love that we can argue with or dismiss. It’s the love that we crave.

What’s it all about?

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This is a blog about the love we crave. It’s about the love between mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives. We all crave it. What happens when we fall short? What about when they fall short? My prayer is that this blog will help us all learn how to love each other better, how to stand up for ourselves in a healthy way, and how to let God love on us as never before.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV)