When Love is What You Don’t Do

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Don't

To quote Forest Gump, “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” I feel like I’m in the same boat in discovering and sharing what healthy love is and what it is not. These actions do not equal love and respect even if they say they love you:

Love is when you….

  • Don’t ridicule or criticize their efforts
  • Don’t use the person for your own personal gratification
  • Don’t lie or cheat
  • Don’t belittle a person’s values or opinions
  • Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not
  • Don’t prevent or discourage growth in a person
  • Don’t intentionally hurt someone physically, mentally, or emotionally
  • Don’t expect your needs to be met without concern for the other’s needs
  • Don’t dismiss their ideas or feelings
  • Don’t shame or call names
  • Don’t withhold or withdraw from a person without explanation
  • Don’t isolate the person
  • Don’t minimize their problems or fears

Just a few that come to mind….

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Jesus is the ultimate example. Love is not easy and love will get messy, just look at the cross.  Love will take work, grace, and forgiveness. We will never get it perfect in our humanness, I know I haven’t. But, we can pray and ask Him to help us love in a way that pleases Him. We can ask forgiveness when we fail, and give it another shot. With Christ ALL things are possible. When our love tanks get low, refuel with the unfailing love of God and DON’T give up! If the love we offer is not received and/or returned, let them go. Letting them go is showing love for yourself and that is also VERY important. We can’t make someone love us but we are all worthy of love. Love never fails. DON’T forget that!

Which Language Do You Speak?

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There’s a very well known book by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”. Great read! The five languages are as follow:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Acts of service
  • Gifts

If you’re like me, they are all wonderful! Where can I get more of all of the above please? They are all important in showing love. But, usually, there are a couple that stick out to us personally. If you’re married, ask your spouse what their love language is and do a lot of it. Love is sacrifice and it’s when you don’t feel like it and do it anyway, that you are showing true sacrificial love. Putting the other person’s needs before your own is sacrifice.

In a perfect world we would all marry a mate with the same exact love language as us, but for some reason it doesn’t seem to work that way. Opposites do attract and what we do in the beginning starts to fizzle out in time. When we are dating, the acts of love are flying off the shelf. It just comes naturally to do all of these when we are infatuated and hoping to impress a possible suitor. We seem to get it all, but it’s what we get AND give in the long run that counts.

If you are dating and considering marriage, it would be a great idea to find out what that person’s love language is and be honest with yourself and the other person if it’s not something you can see yourself dishing out a lot of. If they love physical affection and you’re not big on it, it may cause a problem down the road. If they are super picky about how the house is cleaned and acts of service is their language, watch out.  There’s nothing wrong with someone’s love language if it’s different than yours, it’s just part of what makes them tick, but be aware of what you’re getting into.

We tend to speak the love language that we most desire to receive. Your attempts to show love may fall on deaf ears if they don’t speak your primary language. It takes a conscious effort to think about what would show the other person we love them instead of giving them what we want for ourselves in return.

Learning someone’s love language is not just important in romantic relationships, but our kids, friends, and parents have them too. Love is not just a feeling, it’s an action. It’s something we DO for another. My primary love languages are time and touch. What’s yours? Investigate and try it out. Show someone some love today!

Embrace Grace

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grace

Extending grace and forgiveness to others can be extremely difficult when we feel rejected, misunderstood, or offended. As tough as that is, I admit I sometimes have an even harder time extending it to myself. When I lose my patience with my girls, say something I wish I hadn’t, refrain from saying something that I should have, or just plain drop the ball, the most important thing I need to do is embrace grace.

The devil loves to watch us squirm in guilt for our behavior. Broken records of criticisms in our pasts can wreak havoc on our minds if we don’t remember to embrace grace. I was raised in the church, but embracing grace is a relatively new concept for me. It helps me breathe easier whenever I remember to do it. It takes an enormous amount of pressure off when we remember that God knows our flaws and weaknesses and loves us anyway. That’s grace.

We are finishing up a women’s Bible study called “Believing God” by Beth Moore. There’s a five statement pledge in this study that we repeat together every week. 1) God is who He says He is, 2) God can do what He says He can do, 3) I am who God says I am. 4) I can do all things through Christ, 5) God’s word is alive and active in me. All so awesome! I love each and every one of them and if we TRULY believe them all we are well on our way to victory. But, I can say, the one we agreed is the toughest to believe is #3. I AM who God says I am. As women, we just feel like we fall short. We struggle with this one, I know I do. Maybe because we were told differently growing up, treated less than, let down, put down, used, whatever the reason….the devil loves to prey on us and our sense of worth. Bottom line is: God says we are worth dying for and He did just that.

If anyone makes you feel inferior, criticizes your personality, strengths, or weaknesses, they are not viewing you as God does. We are who God says we are and that is a beautiful thing. Not one of us is perfect, but we are all loved by a God who is. If He can lavish us with His perfect grace, we need to remember to give ourselves a drop or two when we stumble. Let’s see ourselves and each other as He does, children worth dying for.

But Why?

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The ultimate question when things go wrong…….but why? I have my fair share of the same question. There are so many whys in this world. Why did she get sick? Why didn’t I get that job? Why didn’t he love me? Why didn’t God save my marriage? Why didn’t that relationship work? Why did a tornado hit that neighborhood? Why did it hit mine? Why does that person have a problem with me? Why did that child have to die? Why???

These questions will boggle our minds and test our faith. They can make us turn TO God for comfort and refuge or AWAY from Him in anger and disgust. Consider the story of Job in the Bible. God allowed him to be tested above and beyond what most of us have ever had to experience. Job was a Godly man with a blessed and happy life. He was a better person than most of us and the Lord allowed him to be tested more than most of us. First, his livestock died therefore his income was gone, then his children died (all of them), then his body was covered in painful sores, then his wife and his friends turned on him in disgrace, and he was left to wonder WHY Lord?? His story will leave us scratching our heads as well. What on earth did he do to deserve this? Why on earth would God allow that? How much can one person take? It’s just not fair!

I love God’s response to Job’s questions: “Job, have you ever walked on the ocean floor? How large is the earth? Who carves out a path for thunderstorms? Do you control the stars or set in place the Big Dipper? When lions are hungry, do you help them hunt? Can you count the clouds or pour out their water on the soil?” These questions are all from Job 38 (CEV). Wow! I mean, touché.

These answers may come off as insensitive when we are grieving and craving only comfort and need relief. The truth lies in the fact that an explanation won’t comfort us, only the presence and love of  God will. Some of the questions we want so badly to know the answers to may actually cause us more pain. Do you REALLY want to know why he or she doesn’t love you? Do you REALLY want to know all the details? I mean….ouch. The pain is already bad enough. Take the pain and turn it over to a God who loves you unconditionally. Ask Him to carry it because it is just too heavy and hurts too much. When our hearts are broken, He wants in so badly.

I believe one of the ways God loves us in a crisis situation is by sheltering us from some of these answers. Instead of demanding answers, maybe we should ask different questions.  Questions like: How do I forgive him for that? How can I show her love when she treats me that way? How do I stand up to him the way You want me to? How do I respond to that? What do I do with this broken heart? How do I deal with this anger? What do I do with this pain? How do I move forward from this? I believe His response to these questions is always positive. First, He’s thankful we are turning TO Him no matter the reason. Second, He wants us to be honest with Him and get real. Tell Him how much it hurts and tell Him why. This is how a relationship is formed. Yes, He already knows, but He wants us to come to Him about it. He wants to have dialogue, even if it’s messy and angry. Any communication is better than none.

Questions and pain are something we all have in common. How we deal with them is what sets us apart. We need to make peace with the fact that only God may know why and that’s for the best right now. And, we need to RUN to His arms when we are hurt. Don’t run the other direction. Let Him hold you and comfort you when the pain runs deep.

When our children get hurt, they naturally crawl, limp, run, or cry out to us for help. We should be just as inclined to cry out to Him when we are hurt. Sometimes the pain is our fault, sometimes it’s an accident, sometimes it’s inflicted by someone else, and sometimes we’ll never get our answer this side of Heaven. What matters most is that we turn TO our Heavenly Father when it hurts. This will not only heal our hearts sooner but it will also prevent us from hurting others in the process.

He Loves Me THAT Much?!?

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mothers love

Something about becoming a mother opened my heart to the love of God like never before in my life. We are all told when we are contemplating or expecting our first babies that we won’t be able to imagine the love we’ll feel when we see our baby for the first time. It’s true and it’s also true when they tell you your love will multiply with the next one. Our love doesn’t split it half, it doubles. It’s hard to imagine that we are even capable of that kind of love. A mother’s love is true love, no doubt. I’ve also come to know, as the rest of you mommies have, that our love grows every day for our babies. How does it continue to increase? How can we love them more today than the day we first laid eyes on them? Once again, it’s true and it’s hard to explain. Just tonight, I felt like my heart might burst when I kissed them goodnight. It’s a crazy love.

I remember standing over Abby’s crib one night when she was just a baby with tears in my eyes trying to contemplate my love for her, just trying to understand it. In that tender moment, I heard God whisper “I love her more.” That brought more tears. How could that be? He loves my baby more than I do?? I was overwhelmed. Thank you, Lord, for loving her! Take care of Her, Lord! Why did you trust her to me? I don’t know how to do this, Lord! All these thoughts and questions came like waves and so did the tears. I was overwhelmed with the fact that He could possibly love her more than I love her. I was still just trying to process the love I had for her.

Over the next few days, He continued to speak to my heart by telling me “I love you that much too.” But, I would argue and dismiss it. No, Lord, it’s not possible. Just love my baby, that’s more than enough. All I could think about was His incomprehensible love for her and I was so grateful! Slowly but surely, He continued to pursue me…….the mommy. Could it be true? He kept telling me “I love you that much too.” We would go back and forth with each other. Lord, if You love her more than I love her, does that really mean You could love me that much too? Really?? Do You really love me THAT much?!? His answer was a resounding “YES.” That’s not just a game changer, that’s a life changer. I’d never felt that kind of love before. It is unexplainable, unconditional, and unfailing. It’s not a love that we can argue with or dismiss. It’s the love that we crave.

Nobody’s Perfect!

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just breathe

My last entry ended with the much needed relief that God knows our hearts, even when they might be misunderstood by others. What a breath of fresh air! Now, take another big, deep breath and stop pursuing and expecting perfection. Nobody’s perfect. That means……no relationship is perfect, no marriage is perfect, no school is perfect, no job is perfect, no church is perfect, no pastor is perfect, no parent is perfect, no child is perfect, and no blog is perfect. We are all swimming in an ocean of grace and we should be loving and encouraging each other every single day. Compassion trumps criticism any day of the week. The one who leans down to help you up is the one who knows what it feels like to be knocked down. We all have strengths, weaknesses, gifts, regrets, successes, and failures. We all want to be loved and we all have a lot to learn. Life is a journey and we will never be perfect this side of heaven no matter how hard we try. We need to stop pursuing perfection and start pursuing the only One who is. INHALE, EXHALE….

Courage to Face the Fear…

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courage

The Lord is on my side, and I am not afraid of what others can do to me. Psalms 118:6 (CEV)

This verse is inspiring, but still hard for me to wrap my head around. One of my greatest fears is hurting someone’s feelings with my words or actions. I think that’s because I know how that feels all too well. Having your feelings hurt can inflict wounds so deep that it takes a lot longer to heal than a physical wound. I’d take a broken bone over a broken heart or spirit any day. If left untreated, the scars left behind by hurt feelings and a wounded spirit may never heal and leave our hearts bitter, hard, untrusting, and fearful and this, in turn, hurts others.

My own feelings have been dismissed, hurt, and minimized countless times over the years. Because I know this pain intimately, hurting others scares me greatly. My fear in standing up for myself has been fed by my fear of disappointing others, hurting their feelings, being misunderstood, or just plain trying to keep the “peace”. What this verse means to me is that if we stand up for ourselves or others in LOVE, we can be firm, honest, and true to ourselves and God, without the fear of how the person will retaliate. Leave their reactions to God and let Him deal with the circumstances of you standing up and speaking the truth. It takes God-given strength to speak the truth when you have lived in fear of others’ reactions your whole life. You’ve heard the saying “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes”? This rings increasingly true to me. Ask God to help you perform the actions He desires and let Him deal with the reactions. Speak the truth in love and the truth shall surely set you free. He knows our hearts. That is such a relief to me and I hope it is to you….because one thing we all need in this world is relief!

What’s it all about?

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This is a blog about the love we crave. It’s about the love between mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives. We all crave it. What happens when we fall short? What about when they fall short? My prayer is that this blog will help us all learn how to love each other better, how to stand up for ourselves in a healthy way, and how to let God love on us as never before.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV)

Go Where the Love is….

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Go where the love is. Go where it flows freely, not where you have to wish and wait for it to appear or feel like you have to milk it to get it. We wake up hungry for love and go to bed just as hungry. God designed us this way. If we have people in our lives that fill our cups, we are so blessed! There are days when, no matter what or who attempts to love us, it’s still not enough…..This is exactly why God created us this way. Only He can refuel us when the loneliness and sadness kicks in. We may try to compensate with sex, drugs, alcohol, people pleasing, and staying “busy” but, ultimately, the sadness and loneliness will kick back in. We are humans, we are flawed, He LOVES us anyways. Hold on to that for dear life. Thank GOD we don’t have to be perfect for Him to love, forgive, and accept us. His grace covers us.

My First Post

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I’m typing on my brand new (and very first) laptop…..and with the help of my brother, trying to get my first blog up and running. Looking forward to writing and sharing much more!