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Who Can You Trust?

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trust

I used to believe anything anyone would tell me. Call me extremely naive, innocent, or foolish. I just did. I believed people were trustworthy until proven different. Now, I fall more into the category of “I’ll trust you when you prove yourself trustworthy”. This makes me sad, but probably wiser. I don’t want to come off jaded, but not everyone can be trusted. I’ve learned this the really hard way. Maybe you have also. Maybe you’ve been abused and/or deceived. First of all, I’m so sorry for your pain. I get it. I can empathize with your pain, confusion, and shock. The one who dismisses your pain, has never felt it or hasn’t dealt with their own.

Once the shock wears off and you are in the terrifying yet beautiful place to rebuild your life, your trust in people and yourself will also need to be rebuilt. But how? Who can you trust? Keep God first and ask Him for help. Praise Him through the storm and watch Him transform you and the people around you.

I found a quote on trusting God, but was unable to find the author, I wish I could have. It really spoke to me and is as follows: “We cannot hope to trust in someone who is essentially a stranger to us, but that is easily remedied. God has not made Himself difficult to find or know. All we need to know about God, He has graciously made available to us in the Bible, His Holy Word to His people. To know God is to trust Him.”  How can we trust a stranger? We can’t. We have to get to know Him for ourselves in order to place our trust in Him.

People WILL fail us, even the ones who love us the most. I will fail you. That will never be my intention, but it will happen. I can apologize, I can explain, I can ask forgiveness, but that won’t change the fact that I’m not perfect and I will fail you. Pointing each other to the ONLY perfect One in the universe is the most loving thing we can do to protect each other’s hearts.

It may feel like God has failed you. I get that too. We live in a fallen world and the enemy is painstakingly on attack…..constantly. God hasn’t failed you. He will pick you up. He will walk alongside you in the pain. He will speak wisdom in your ear. He yearns to. He loves you with an eternal, unfailing love that is worthy of our trust.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5,6

Trusting people these days is harder than it’s ever been for me. Baby steps…. It’s much easier for me to trust a person that is submitted to God. Someone who admits they aren’t perfect, but knows and loves the One who is. A person who’s greatest desire is to honor God with their broken and imperfect life. Someone who can say I will fail you and life is hard, but I will always point you in God’s direction and pray for you.  A person who says I’ve never had it all together and I never will this side of eternity, but I know the One who does. These people are my very best friends and mentors, these people are true blessings for which I’m so grateful. These are people I can trust because I know who they trust and that makes all the difference in the world.

Married 7 times?!

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commitment

I had a patient this morning who struggled to get on the bed for her test and said “try not to get old dear, it hurts.” I actually hear that from a lot of my patients and I try to remind them that it sure beats the alternative. Sadly, some of them still say, “well, I’m not so sure.” I told her “I’m so sorry it hurts, take your time”.  She replied with “that’s life honey, it just hurts”. Then she started to tell me about her life and how she should have “taken better care of herself”.

She explained that she dove headfirst into all the drinking, drugs, and sex she could get a hold of. She even shared with me that she had been married SEVEN times! That just blew me away. I incorrectly assumed that she had been left seven times and started to try to console her. She quickly and honestly corrected me by saying she’s the one who always left. Wow! She affirmed that all of her husbands had been good men with the exception of one. I asked her why she left and she told me she just “got bored”. This was such an eye opening conversation for me since it was coming from a woman.

She says she didn’t become a Christian until she was in her 40s. But, even then she still left husbands. She reminded me that the Christian journey is just that, a journey. Change and wisdom don’t come overnight. I guess they could if God so chooses, but typically it takes time, alot of grace, experiences, and failures to learn how much God loves us and how He wants us to love others. She is a strong Christian woman now. She loves God with all her heart and confided in me that the main reason she left all her husbands was because she didn’t know that love meant commitment. She thought love was based solely on feelings and once they faded, she got bored and just left. She says she knows now that love is a choice and a commitment that you make in spite of feelings.

I wanted to share her testimony because it really spoke to my heart. She shared with me that her pastor has asked her to speak on marriage and she told him she could only speak on what NOT to do. That’s valuable too and I think she should! We need to hear what not to do as much as what to do. Her parting words of advice to me were when you are married and look over at your spouse and wonder “what the heck am I doing with this person?” or have an argument (which you will). Don’t leave! Work through it, make the choice to love and STAY. Pray and get the help necessary, but stay. Sidenote: you can’t MAKE someone stay who doesn’t want to be there and you shouldn’t stay if there is any form of abuse or unrepentant infidelity. I’m aware that every troubled marriage has different variables going on.

She reminded me to never get married on feelings alone because although our feelings change every day, the commitment to love shouldn’t. If you get married on feelings alone, you may very well leave when those feelings fade. They will ebb and flow, but the commitment should stand firm. The only reason she kept getting married over and over was because she “felt” like it was right……seven times. And she is single today. Feelings are fickle and lust fades. But, true love grows.

She reminded me that only God’s love can satisfy. She reminded me that we can bless others even after we fail over and over. She reminded me that God can and will use us to reach and teach others no matter what has happened in our pasts or who we “were”. She reminded me that pointing others towards Jesus is the single most loving act you can perform in ANY relationship (including marriage) because His love is the ONLY love guaranteed not to up and leave by choice or death. Even the blessed couples that make it till death do they part, will still part, unless Jesus returns first.

She regrets the string of broken hearts she left behind in her brokenness. Today, she blessed and inspired mine and we are both grateful for that. God is a God of restoration. I asked her if I could share her story and she said she would be honored. May God bless her abundantly for sharing with me.

 

 

Why Ya Gotta Be So Rude?

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excuse me

“Why ya gotta be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human too?” This song is so catchy right now. I can’t help but turn it up and sing along…and it got me thinking (fancy that). We don’t know the story behind why the dad is not giving his blessing to marry his daughter. He may have a very good point. We also don’t know if she even wants to marry the guy or if Dad’s replying truly rudely or just being protective and direct….but I DO love the premise behind the song. Why do people have to be SO rude?

I’ve come to realize that blatant rudeness is just disrespect plain and simple. It shows lack of self control, lack of decency, lack of respect…just lack. I used to be attracted to rudeness, maybe because I thought it showed superiority in some way. I just assumed if the person was rude they had every right to be. Now, I see things very differently. I’m completely repelled by rudeness, it’s just not necessary. There are ways to do and confront hard things without being rude.

Turns out you can disagree with someone and not be rude. You can express your own personal opinion and not be rude. You can say “no” and not be rude. You can confront really hard issues and not be rude. People will respect you SO much more if you can express yourself, be yourself, stand up for yourself and NOT be rude. It may be extremely tempting to roll out the rudeness, but it’s just not necessary. It’s disrespectful.

If you disagree, express, decline, confront, or end something in a polite manner and the person is offended and angry, that’s their problem. You have every right to make decisions in your life and they do too. It’s HOW we navigate these situations that show respect for others and ourselves. Remember to respect yourself, we people pleasers have a very hard time with this one….

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23

Be you, be strong, but be POLITE! Thank you 🙂

She did WHAT?!?!

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anger

Have you heard the saying “Anger is hurt’s bodyguard”? I have no doubt that is true. Every time I feel anger bubbling up inside of me, if I take the time to look deeper, I can see it’s from some sort of pain that I’m trying to deny or tired of feeling. Target that pain and figure out what hurts. It could be betrayal, rejection, shock, confusion….ANGER. Boiling red hot anger is the result.

Jesus got downright angry when He witnessed people using the temple as practically a flea market. He threw tables over, He got red in the face, He raised His voice. “My house will be called a ‘house of prayer’, but you’re turning it into a gathering place for thieves!” — Matthew 21:13 GW. His anger was fueled by blatant disrespect. Can we stand up for each other? Can we stand up for God? Can we stand up for ourselves? Can we get angry about what counts and make a GOOD impact? Absolutely.

Next time anger boils to the surface, take the time to figure out where it truly stems from and how to deal with it appropriately. Are you angry over the disrespect of a person? Over being disrespected yourself? Over being cut off in traffic? Over computer issues? Anger isn’t necessarily a bad emotion. It does mean something is “wrong”. Something is “off”. Just take the time to analyze what you are angry about and why BEFORE acting. That’s the tough part! Our human natures kick in and we want to respond IMMEDIATELY. In some cases, like a child in imminent danger, there is cause to act out immediately.

But, MOST of the time, we get angry because we are hurt. We get rejected. We feel “less than”. We feel misunderstood. We assume the worst. Someone we love gets treated poorly. We FEEL. We are human beings and we were created to have feelings. Our feelings do matter, they shouldn’t be minimized, and we do have the right to speak up. But, our feelings should be assessed before acting on them. What’s going on here? Why am I SO angry?? How dare they? How dare I?

Anger is a normal, even healthy, human emotion. It comes and goes more than I’d like. But, how I act when I’m angry is what can leave a much bigger imprint than the feeling itself. Honestly, “counting to ten” doesn’t always help me, but breathing and praying DOES. Just breathe. Just pray. Take your time. Then….move forward. If something can be changed, do what you can to change it. If it can’t be changed, do what you need to do to accept it, change what you can, and keep going. Keep loving, forgive yourself, forgive others, and move forward in grace and mercy.

We are not alone in our emotions. We are ALL in this together. Anger is a passionate emotion and can easily lead to danger. Let’s use it to passionately propel us in a positive direction.

Why Brokenness is a Gift

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beauty

I read somewhere “there are two types of people, the ones who know they are broken and the ones who don’t.” I firmly believe this. We are all broken. Some of us know it and willingly admit it. Some don’t know they are broken yet (like children), and some just plain refuse to admit it. Viewing ourselves and each other as broken people evens the playing field. This perspective leads to humility and grace. Admitting our brokenness and dependance on Him is when God’s strength and power as Healer and Provider can manifest it’s greatest significance in our lives.

Ultimately, whatever leads us to the foot of the cross in brokenness will be seen as a blessing in our lives. It may be parenting struggles, an illness, loss of a loved one, divorce, lack of a role model, people pleasing, a past regret, financial ruin, addiction. This is how all things work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28). This is how Jesus takes the most painful experiences the evil one throws our way and turns them around for His Glory. This is how people can be touched and loved on a whole new level by admitted brokenness.  This is how He makes beauty from ashes. We are all in this thing together.

To lay our egos and hurts down at His feet and accept God’s love into the cracks is to be beautifully broken. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, God does. Wounds left untreated may fester in time and repeat themselves generation after generation if not brought before the healing power of God. He heals, renews, and restores.

I love the lyrics of the following song and want to share…..”Keep Making Me” by Sidewalk Prophets

“Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus]

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You’ll keep making
Lord, please keep making me”

 

No, I Love YOU More…

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I love you more

My youngest daughter and I will go back and forth sometimes about who loves the other more. It’s pretty cute, I’ll usually start with “Elle, I love you” and she’ll come back with “I love you too”. Then, I’ll say “I love you more” and she’ll say , “no, I love YOU more…” and it continues. Her response is precious and as much as I love to hear it, I know now, as a parent myself, that our kids will never be able to comprehend our love for them until they have a child of their own. They may love us with as much as their little hearts know how to love another human being, but they cannot yet comprehend our love for them.  Our love for them is unexplainably sacrificial. What we are willing to do for our children truly blows me away. We can summon strength we didn’t know existed in us because of the true love we have for them.

I can’t help but parallel this exchange between God and us when we tell Him that we love Him. No matter how much our hearts are filled to the absolute brim with love for Him, His response is always “I love you more.” Unexplainable and sacrificial, deeper than we deserve, wider than we can fathom, and as consistent as we dare to comprehend.

Elle is not feeling well this weekend. She’s actually lying on the couch right now and I’m wishing I could take her place. I’d take her sickness in a heartbeat if it were possible. Jesus did just that. He took our sickness as humans and died for it, for us. His is a sacrificial love. Whether we desire or are even aware of His love does not change the fact that it’s there. His arms are wide open and ready to hold us and love us no matter what and no matter when. We are given the free will to lean into that love, ignore it, or reject it altogether. After all, what’s a forced love anyway? I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like they HAVE to love me or pretend to love me. I doubt you would either, that’s not real love.

Remember that the next time you feel impressed to express your love to God in any way, shape, or form, His response to you is always “I love you more”. And who can argue with that? It’s not meant to argue with, it’s meant to enjoy.

Worrier vrs. Warrior

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warrior

I shared this title idea with one of my coworkers this past week and she agreed that it would be a great one for most of us. I have been a tried and true worrier my whole life. If worry were a disease, I’d be riddled with it. “What could I have done or said differently?” “This must be MY fault.” “I should have fixed it or stopped it or done whatever I tried to do differently.” Any time a problem comes my way I tend to immediately blame myself. It’s gotta be me. What’s wrong with ME?….

When God says “Be Still” this calms my nerves. This phrase reminds me that rejection may have been the most loving option, not the least. This phrase reminds me that sometimes it’s not what we COULD have done but what God DID do that sent that particular situation in that particular direction. This phrase reminds me that no matter how much we fear we may mess things up, He is STILL in control.

Sure, we make choices and may suffer consequences, but like the perfect parent He is, He still loves us. Sometimes the choices are made for us and we tend to take that VERY personally. Once again….WHY ME?? We need to fall towards His love and not away. Give the situation back to Him and remind ourselves that it’s just too heavy for us to carry.

What makes a worrier?  Insecurity, lies, paranoia, stress, questions, rejection, FEAR!

What makes a warrior? Prayer, peace, truth, confidence, strength, power, SURRENDER!

Waving the white flag of surrender makes us the warriors we need to be to live in this world. It’s HIS way or the highway, not mine. We shouldn’t be afraid to make choices, we shouldn’t be afraid to try, we shouldn’t be afraid to fail. The desire to live our lives to honor Him is the best we have to offer. It doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. He doesn’t expect perfection.

Living loved is the best defense against worry. He wants us to live loved. Living consciously aware of His love throughout the day will take the sting out of disappointments, rejection, and worry. Living loved can remove the fear of trying, failing, and trying again. Knowing that we were loved in the past (when it happened), are loved today (while it’s happening), and will be loved in the future (even if it happens) is a warrior’s perspective.

I don’t write as an overcomer to worry, it’s still a daily struggle for me. I write to remind myself of these truths because I desire to live as a warrior too. Let’s fight (surrender) together. Oorah!

He Loves Me Enough To….

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he loves me enough to

He loves me enough to….

  • Let go
  • Forgive
  • Relax
  • Move forward
  • Change
  • Be honest and get real
  • Admit weakness
  • Come to my rescue
  • Help me raise my children
  • Listen anytime and every time
  • Try new things
  • Try again
  • Chase a new dream
  • Give more than I “think” I can
  • Share more than I “think” I can
  • Speak up
  • Stand up
  • Keep going….

That’s freedom to me.

Each one of us has different fears, different issues, different pasts, and different baggage. God’s love is the healing balm. Feeling His love will cover you, embrace you, strengthen you, remind you, and overwhelm you. His love is why my grandpa’s favorite song was “No Regrets”. The lyrics “No regrets, I chose to follow Him” is actually written along the bottom of his tombstone and I can hear him singing it every time I read those lines….

No regrets because His love is what it’s all about.

In the Trenches

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trenches

Do you ever feel like you are “in the trenches”? In the trenches of raising littles ones, in the trenches of working full time, trenches of singleness, marriage, or a long term relationship? There are trenches of all sorts…..caring for elderly parents, caring for infants, raising teenagers, grief, even empty nester trenches. When we see someone in a trench with us, we should come up alongside and encourage them. So often our human instinct is to judge, compare, criticize, and question. Where’s the love in that?

Open your heart and eyes to others and help them if you can. Encourage when you can. Sympathize, empathize, and love. If you can’t do any of these, don’t intentionally harm them. Correction can be a form of love, but to quote John Maxwell “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” TRUTH! They will know us by the way we love.

Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34,35

The next time you see someone in a trench with you or one you’ve been in before, give them a smile, a compliment, or at least an understanding head nod to let them know that you can relate to what they are dealing with. Offer them a push and a prayer because we all get stuck now and then. The trenches of life are seasons. Some seasons last longer than others, let’s help each other get to the other side.

Do the Hard Thing.

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hard thing

When I got married, my dream was to stay married. I know that’s the shared dream for the majority of us when we marry, but my dream of a lasting marriage may have been for different reasons than some. I wanted to know that marriage really could last forever. I needed to prove it to myself. I was very much pro-marriage and still am. 

My parents divorced when I was in the 8th grade and it was hard. Divorce is hard on everyone. I’ve heard that research has shown that kids from divorce tend to divorce more often because they see it as an option. I was the opposite. I felt like my parents’ divorce fueled me to stay together come hell or high water……no matter what. I was in it for the long haul. The last thing on earth I wanted to go through or put my kids through was a divorce. I’d lived it and I knew the difficulties and pain involved.

I wanted a happy, healthy, and whole family for my husband, kids, and myself. Our marriage wasn’t happy, healthy, or whole because the people in it were not healthy or whole to begin with. I wanted so desperately to break the cycle of divorce that I displayed and permitted behavior that shouldn’t be accepted as normal in a healthy marriage. The example we were modeling for our children was neither healthy nor happy. It was quite the opposite. The marriage disintegrated while I prayed consistently for it to be restored. I poured my heart out to God over and over again pleading with Him to step in and save the marriage for the sake of our children and my dream to just stay together. Instead, the divorce happened. Looking back now, I know it needed to.

The reality of divorce has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through thus far in my life. Now, in the aftermath, it’s still hard. It’s hard because of too many reasons to list. It’s hard because the girls have another woman in their lives now. It’s hard because they go back and forth between homes. It’s hard because we don’t have the same rules at my house as he does at his house. It’s hard because our priorities are different. It’s just hard and I know as a child of divorce that it always will be.  It will take a daily surrender and annointing of grace, mercy, and forgiveness to prevent the devil’s stronghold of anger, bitterness, and resentment to fester. I know now more than ever that I need a daily dose of Jesus every single day for my children and myself.

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve felt God tell me that He wants me to do the hard thing again. And that is to forgive and extend mercy to all involved. Forgive for the love of God and for the love of my children. When we have “every right” to be bitter and wish the worst, God asks us to do the hard thing. I know I can’t do it on my own, my flesh is entirely too weak. But, I’d rather forgive than suffer. I’d rather forgive than let the magnitude of what happened affect what will happen in mine or my children’s lives. I am willing to do the hard thing. But, I can’t do it on my own. He’s going to have to prop me up and do it with me.

I have no doubt God could have saved our marriage, but He chose not to. That wasn’t a part of His plan. I do know His plans for me are good. I do know He wants me to forgive and continue to love. I do know He wants me to live an abundant and joyful life.  To live the life He desires me to live, I believe I will have to once again do the hard thing. I believe that forgiveness equals freedom and I also believe He loves me enough to help me do it because He has forgiven me.